Dos Tacos - HCB - Bakersfield, CA

♪♪ Hot cheeto burrito. Hot cheeto burrito. I can't get enough of these hot cheeto burritos...♪♪

Lips and fingers stained bright red like the color of my burning passion for portable Mexican cuisine. Since Taco Bell broke ground on stoner fusion foods with the nacho cheese Doritos taco, a few locals, Dos Tacos & La Villa to be exact, have been getting in on the fun.

Just saying the phrase 'hot cheeto burrito' gets the salivary glands going. It simply makes sense. So much so, I ask, "what the hell took so long?!"

The cheetos add spice, flavor, and a crunchy texture one rarely experiences in a burrito. (side note: I used to add fried tortilla strips and nacho cheese into my grilled stuffed burrito back in my Taco Bell employee days before they ruined that damned burrito with cilantro rice and cardboard...)

Of course, adding chips to an otherwise not so crunchy meal has been documented in this very blog on the East side of Bakersfield with the carne asada hot dog man crushing up lays as a topping, and who doesn't throw chips on top of their PB&J every now and again?

But here we are, Dos Tacos bringing the fire with their take on the HCB. This isn't my first time at Dos Tacos, nor is it my first time enjoying them. However, this is my first time experiencing the wow from their food. Crunchy-cheesy-salty-spicy explosion right off the get. We're talking flavor assault. It almost made me angry just trying to keep track of all that was going on in this cheeto cornucopia.

How are you going to just kick open the damned door with a packed-to-the-brim-but-not-messy burrito like that?! Look at this beast!



If you're not impressed, I've got nothing for you. The colors in this scream "FIESTA!" The jalapenos pack an even bigger punch, and slathering their dark green sauce in-between bites helps keep things moving.

Make sure you have a big glass of horchata to keep things in perspective. The heat can get away from the uninitiated. If you got a thing for heat like yours truly, then you'll be right at home.

Go eat this damn thing, and I'll tell you about it's cousin from La Villa on another day.

Jenny's Grill - Barstow, CA

Found myself in Barstow, last Sunday because love can make one do crazy things. When life throws you Barstow, you look for burritos.

Barstow is home to the oldest Del Taco which, as of this writing, is holding a 4.5 star rating with over 450 reviews. I'm struggling to figure out what the hell is going on, since Del Taco restaurants in Bakersfield float between 2 & 3 stars. But that's another write up, and I only mention because...

I'm not sure what I was expecting when I walked into Jenny's Mexican Grill (4 stars), and ordered their breakfast burrito.

I was pleasantly surprised to be asked if I wanted beans (possibly most under rated breakfast burrito ingredient) or hashbrowns. I reply both because I didn't get this pretty skipping ingredients.

When I requested a large coke, a sweet lady from the back came out to ask if I wanted my drink in a soup bucket because they didn't have anything larger than a 16oz (did I mention I'm very pretty?). I declined, but it's the thought that counts.

10 minutes later, I'm presented with my burrito. I walk out to a few nice fellows having a jolly conversation about someone's bumper sticker. 

"Ain't that the truth!" 

I long for the day when emails were the biggest of our problems...

I digress. I sit in my truck and rip in. 

The burrito delivers a big hit of Hot. Juicy. Something? The green sauce mixed with the eggs, hashbrowns, sausage, and beans to create one vague mushy flavor that is reminiscent of breakfast if breakfast were cooked up and served to me in a blender.  

The excitement from my first bite lost, and every subsequent nibble only served to reiterate how little is going on here. I liken my experience to purchasing a Coldplay record because you like "that one song." 

I want more from Barstow, and I'm hopeful I'll find it. Maybe Del Taco...There's gotta be something to that damned yelp rating.

Fuegos Taco Shack & Grill - Bakersfield

Long has it been since I've drawn my pen shining, but I return for the same reason I began: I've found a new best breakfast burrito in Bakersfield.

The journey has been treacherous. Old favorites have been returned to the annals of distaste. Long-standing champs laid waste to new cooks, over-turned management, and the ever-present onslaught of impending greasiness.

Caucacity abounds on the streets of Bakersfield pushing tastes ever further into the depths of mayonnaise, Kraft singles, and butter noodles. Taco trucks come and taco trucks go, but a new contender has been born from the dust serving up "fresh food, not fast food."

I heard about Fuego's from a friend at the bar, so I went the very next day. I had Asada tacos and an Al Pastor burrito. It took 20 minutes or so to get what I ordered, but time is of little importance when taste is the highest concern. Every time I looked up anxiously to see if my order was ready a person was busting their ass over a hot stove and a sign read on the window like a warning as well as a guarantee "fresh food, not fast food."

I have often said I will pay extra and wait longer if they'll just do the damn thing right the first time. A cook blaming their ingredients, their time, or their patron's lack of complacency and support in their grand plan seems like a cop-out, and I refuse to be a contributor to the problem.

So I waited, and my wait was rewarded with hot and delicious fresh food. I sped through an Al Pastor burrito and asada tacos with a fervor facilitated by a bottle of coke. The Al Pastor was fucking fantastic. However, I wasn't moved to write a review...Not yet.

I returned, had more tacos and more burritos. Still, no pressure from the muse. No whispers in the mind. Nothing.

I've driven thousands of miles. Eaten hundreds of burritos in less days. Searched far and wide with beard-face earnest, so the muse doesn't always bare itself to me in all the vulgarity I think I deserve.

I carried on beaten and battered. Lost without a burrito to call home. No morning endeavor holds much promise. That is, until today.

Today, I sought Fuego's breakfast burrito. The #3...although I saw no numbers or even the mention of a breakfast burrito outside of a single white sheet of paper announcing their availability between 7:30am and 10:30am.

Bacon, seasoned potatoes, scrambled eggs, pico de gallo, your choice of red, green, or their own Fuego salsa, and, finally, your choice of meat. That's right, bacon is a condiment. For my money, Al Pastor all the time. Their pork is deliciously seasoned and succulent. The saltiness of the bacon does a back flip in tandem with the peppery potatoes. Scrambled eggs fluff up the burrito giving the illusion of lightness while the pico delivers freshness and acidity to the rich ensemble.

With Fuego sauce, like many scratchmade salsas, one can never be sure which level of heat has shown up. I've had it a few times now, and this morning's batch was by far the hottest and tastiest. Honestly, I needed another cup, but that could be my own problem.

Order came to about $7. To some, I understand this may seem steep, but there were no microwaves. No reheating. The meat you order is cooked for you. Everything you ask for is cooked for you right there. Fresh and hot. You can easily drop more money for way less at any fast food joint. Do your stummy a favor and give it a little fire. You'll be as stoked as I am.

A Fail In Glendale

Last weekend, the LA clouds wept for my departure. Under sobbing skies, I passed through Glendale in an attempt to check off yet another burrito on the LAist top 10 BB's at Taqueria El Tapatio. I arrived a little before 9:30am, and, due to my lack of investigation, was greeted by locked doors. One does not eat the best breakfast burrito until 10am, so I waited.

When the gates opened, I was the first to order.

"I'm sorry, but we just opened. Do you mind waiting 15 minutes while we get everything ready?"

"Not a problem. I'll take the breakfast burrito and one of the cheese tacos." (yelp reviews raved about the tacos, too)

Cash only, so I happily gave the lady my last $6 in cash. I sat down and was given some chips and salsa to chomp on while I waited. Chips were hot and fresh out of fryer with decent cups of two different types of salsa that I may have had a hard time discerning if I were blindfolded.

A man down on his luck was sweeping the outdoor dining area and blasting "All She Wants To Do Is Dance" while all I wanted to do was eat. The sweet 80's bangers swirled around my head for the better part of an hour before I lost hope.

The vibe was all wrong. All of the patrons were restless, including myself. I could not imagine the best breakfast burrito in Glendale slipping out of that window, so I told them to keep the money for the chips and drink.

Maybe it was the sadness of leaving LA, the overcast day, or the grumpiness associated with a man of my stature not eating, but I had to leave. A quick search brought me to another well reviewed establishment only to be greeted by yet another "Cash Only" sign.

You win, Glendale, but I shall return - WITH CASH!

The Burrito Life

Perhaps it is like the effervescent steam wafting above sizzling carne asada on a flattop or, maybe, more akin to the dissipating fog clearing slow from the asphalt. The morning mist joins mourning lovers of cold nights greeted by a sun too confident in its promise of safety and light dreaming up lofty visions for future burritos yet to be had.

A rose will bloom, it then will fade, but not my passion for tortilla-swaddled food.

In my absence I have learned many things about myself. I have discovered unprecedented skills in procrastination. A debilitating fear of success and failure ever-present in my day to day life. The experience of eating a burrito in a hovel far surpasses any words I may write about it, but that does not diminish the importance of the attempt.

In 2014 I consumed hundreds, literally multiples of 100 burritos. I traveled up and down California with a brief jaunt into Arizona tracking the best burritos the West Coast had to offer. I spoke with proprietors of establishments dating back to the early 20th century. I was leveled by nostalgia in a rundown taco shop. I was interviewed on a burrito excursion for radio. I was featured in the local paper with a front page mention and a full page spread. And then I documented it all and shared it with you.

And you read it!

Thank you. Sincerely, thank you for everything. For suggestions, for recommendations, for reading and sharing with your friends and family. I appreciate it more than you know.

So I guess I'm writing to say that I will be updating this again. I hope the posts are informative, but I also want them to be more personal. Some of my favorite posts from the last year are a good mix of culinary critique, op-ed ranting, and pure unadulterated confession.

If you are still around, enjoy.

El Dollar Taqueria - Wasco, CA

At least once a week I drive down 7th Standard/Merle Haggard Highway on my way into town from visiting the oilfields, and I pass the same taco truck seemingly stranded on the side of the road. More often than not, by the time I pass by I am full of empanadas from El Sol De Guadalajara bakery, but it was time to find out how they were single-handedly holding down this stretch of highway.

I pull up among a group of white work trucks, so it seems one lady alone is providing a service to the field and factory workers operating close by. Birria, Lengua, Cabeza, Carnitas, and chicken were all available to be done up into tacos, burritos, or tortas, but I chose to play it safe and conservative with an Asada burrito.

Looking down into my bite mark I can see a veritable Mexican cornucopia spilling out. Deep red chiles and dark green cilantro accent blackened steak while a solid supporting cast of rice, beans, and onions fill out the lightly toasted tortilla. My only complaint lies in the cut and quality of steak I received. More than a couple bites were met with chewy gristle which can take even the most devout right out of the joy in great tasting food. 

Either way, I am undeterred. The promise written in the tastes contained within this burrito ensure I shall return to sample the other offerings. Especially after seeing the ever-elusive birria on menu. 

Be sure to ask for a side of hot sauce. The red adds a good heat with even more flavor. 

El Sitio - Ventura, CA

Nuzzled in snugly to Django's Coffee House in Ventura, CA is a small, unassuming delight. My guide on this adventure raves about the al pastor, so we decide to split a burrito and load up on salsas. 

Being our third burrito of the day, one may question the voracity of our appetites, but rest-assured the allure of marinated pork swaddled in a thick chewy tortilla can coax a growl out of the fullest of stomachs. 

Succulent and tender bits of pork were buried deep in a fiery spectrum of rice, beans, and spices. A welcome counterpoint to the airy cuts of shark and substantial chunks of steak. Lesser spots may try to skirt by on the same pork used for the carnitas only to dress up the differences between al pastor and chile verde as the sauce one uses, but this pork had the char of slow braising after being massaged with spices to differentiate from such imposters.

The salsas were fresh and effective, but I fancied the orange habanero most for its complexity and heat.

By far the most out of the way spot located in a quiet neighborhood in the more suburban part of Ventura, but well worth a stop to round out the day. 

Three more remain as we prepare for the return of Chris the Sound Guy and his episode showcasing the burrito adventure in its full splendor.